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Patrick was scheduled to leave the next day. It was time to make a decision. He was going to return in six months as an officer of the Ghana Army. Some weeks after his return, he was going to be posted and he will leave home for good…well unless he decides to ditch his accommodation offer and stay home (if he is posted to our town).
It reminded me of the night before I left for the university when my mother called me to give me some tips for life. I remember that I promised to make her proud, not to let her down and be a good child. I believe I stuck to my word. Thoughts of her and the things she told me brought tears to my eyes because she told me to stay out of trouble and not do anything that will cause division amongst my roommates or friends, she also advised me about relationships and why I should look and pray before making a decision on who I decide to date.
I was to be doing the same for Patrick… giving him advice and praying for/with him and not hatching plans to sleep with him. It’s been many years since this talk with my mum took place but I remember almost vividly everything she told me. But as always, there was an inner voice telling me that if it was about what Patrick will remember, then the sex was a better deal or I could still give him the pep talk and top it up with some love- making.
Even though I was beginning to admire George more like I said, the attraction for Patrick was not totally dead. He still had an effect on me. Call it the first- love- effect or whatever; he still had a place in my heart. It was 2am. I turned to Kudjo, who was snoring away. I woke him up and told him that as parents, we needed to go and have a chat with Patrick before he leaves. Sleepy, Kudjo said he had planned to do that on their way to the base in Western Region so I could go ahead. This was my last chance.
But I said a prayer. I asked God to direct me and show me what to do. I asked Him to help me not to cause division in my family. I knocked on the door. After knocking I smiled because I felt God was indeed directing me. I had stopped knocking before entering Patrick’s room since I started nursing feelings for the young man. I knocked again and opened the door. He opened his eyes and I asked if I could turn on the light for us to talk.
He said I could because he was struggling to sleep out of nervousness. I smiled again and then sat next to him. With my arms around his neck, I said:
I know you have always dreamt of being a soldier and you have worked towards it. It may not be a smooth journey. There may be different forms of distractions at the training and out of it but if you are able to face every hurdle with self constraint, discipline and prayer, you will make it.
Women, drugs and drinks are a few of these distractions but the difference between a human being and an animal is that the human being has a mind with a conscience and can/ should think deeply before engaging in any act that can mess up beautiful things. Some adventures are not worth it. Patrick, make me proud, make your father proud and make us all proud. Do not let us down.
I started to cry along the line. I cried because it seemed I was talking to myself. God had indeed heard my prayer. Patrick asked me not to cry and said that he was going to miss me too, to which I said, ‘I am sorry” and cried more. He held me tightly but this time there was no immoral thought running through my mind. I felt some relief after. I was so excited.
I told him to try and catch about two hours of sleep and left. Next stop was to George’s room. I said my sincere little prayer again. I knocked again, entered and spoke to him too. Again, I cried but I left fulfilled and excited.
I went back to bed with no heavy heart or thoughts. When Kudjo turned and cuddled me, I didn’t push him away or give an excuse (which had been the norm since I started harboring those lusts feelings for my sons). He must have realized that I was relaxed so he continued to kissed me, undressed me and satisfied me. I bet he was satisfied too. I realized how much I had missed him.
I began to wonder why I had allowed myself to get carried away into this form of sin. Even if I was that weak, I could have gone to God in prayer and not to my friend. As humans, we are bound to lose control of our thoughts and maybe emotions and behave badly but what should keep us in check is the word of God and prayers. No matter what the situation is, there is a solution and it doesn’t lie in man…. There are so many ‘Clarice’s’ out there. Besides, He wouldn’t judge nor share your shortfall with others.
As the year draws to an end, endeavor to go to God with all your flaws, your shortfalls – the dirty ones that you are ashamed to talk about – , go to Him with your addictions and distractions and allow him to carry the burden off you in this season of advent.
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